


Shameless Self-Indulgence

by Offended_dot_png



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: A little bit kind of, BAU as found family because I love that, Begins during the time Spencer had crutches, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Case Fic, F/F, Fluff, Gen, Group chat, Humor, I love Will but for the sake of the plot he’s gone, JJ is actually pan :o, Lesbian Emily Prentiss, Maybe whump? Chaos? Angst? It’s up in the air, Nonbinary Character, Questioning JJ, a lil gay, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 11,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27820354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Offended_dot_png/pseuds/Offended_dot_png
Summary: The BAU go about their business and keep each other in the loop whenever possible. Well, sometimes more than necessary. Includes fun guest stars, such as: feral gremlin Reid, wine aunt Garcia, family dynamics, and tons of gay panic!Expect updates once or twice a week. I have no clue where this is going, and you’re all coming on this journey with me
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss, The BAU - Relationship
Comments: 35
Kudos: 223





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for giving my text fic a try! I’ve been thirsting over a bunch of other ones posted here and decided to take a crack at it. Enjoy, and feel free to leave constructive criticism

7:03 am

Morgan: Reid you got five seconds to come out of that stall

E Prentiss: Why are you angry with the boy???

Morgan: HE HIT ME IN THE FUCKING SHINS WITH HIS CRUTCHES

Kid: Typing in all caps doesn’t equate to yelling Morgan, you’re just standing in the restroom angrily tapping your phone.

Morgan: Kid I stg 

Morgan: I’ll start counting down

E Prentiss: REID RUN I KNOW WHAT COMES AFTER HE SAYS 1

Kid: Morgan, hold your fire, I’m opening the door.

Morgan: I wouldn’t open fire on you for hitting me in the leg???

Kid: This is me trying to tell you to relax.

7:07 am

Kid: I am lying on the bathroom floor.

Mother JJ: You ok Spence? How did you fall?

Kid: Morgan took my crotches.

E Prentiss: Dang I didn’t know that was something that could be removed

Kid: I meant crotches.

Kid: Crutches.

Kid: Emily, how do I type in all capital letters?

E Prentiss: Double tap the uppercase button

Kid: THANK YOU.

Kid: CAN ONE OF YOU COME HELP ME OFF OF THE BATHROOM FLOOR?

E Prentiss: I’m not going in a men’s bathroom, sorry Reid ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Mother JJ: Emily just help the damn boy

E Prentiss: You’re the light of my life Reid, but going into that germ breeding ground is too much to ask

Kid: I’m assuming you’re talking about the stereotype of men always missing when they pee? Urine is actually more sterile than the water we drink from the tap, so it’s as if you’re walking into an undrained shower, and not to mention that the idea of men having bad aim is exceptionally overblown.

Hotch: Which bathroom are you in?

Kid: The one to the right of the bullpen. I will be halfway out the door by the time you arrive. 

Kid: Tell Morgan I will be searching for him.

Morgan: Why do I have goosebumps tf

E Prentiss: It’s out of sheer fear

Kid: I am indeed terrifying. I have two inches of height on you and lackluster self control.

Kid: Hotch is asking me to “stop threatening my brother and wrap my damn arm around his neck”. Goodbye.

E Prentiss: He’s such a wonderful father 😌

6:58 pm

E Prentiss: Well that was a fun way to waste 11 hours

Mother JJ: Anytime a suspected homicide turns out to be an accident is a win in my book

E Prentiss: I just wanna get treated to a fancy dinner and get fucking plastered, will anybody help me in my quest?

Baby Girl: After looking at pictures of horrific car crashes all day, I’m more than ready for a drink 

Baby Girl: @Kid @Morgan @Hotch @Italian Man any of you want to come?

Hotch: Who’s paying?

E Prentiss: If you promise to drive me home when I’m completely smashed, it’ll be my treat

Hotch: Then save a seat at the table for me and text me the location

Morgan: I’m tagging along too, got nothing better to do :P

Italian Man: Count me in

Kid: I’ll meet up with you all in about an hour; I have to contact my sponsor for our regular check-ins.

Baby Girl: Alright bitches, we’re going to Outback, I want all the girls to meet me at my car

Mother JJ: Will do

12:34 am

E Prentiss: [Image: Prentiss’s foot wrapped in bandages with a nasty bruise spreading up her ankle. In the corner of the image, she’s giving a thumbs up]

Kid: EMILY WHAT HAPPENED?

E Prentiss: So I’m plastrrrd right? And I want Hoch to take me two McDonald’s and I get our of car and trip :( 

Italian Man: Jesus, you’re sure you didn’t run your foot over with Hotch’s car??

E Prentiss: Yes. I trippped in a pothole

E Prentiss: In simpel terms, I McFucked up


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #LetReidSay>:)2021

2:19 pm

Italian Man: I’m making focaccia bread tonight, anybody willing to come over and help make it?

Baby Girl: A what

Kid: It’s a classic Italian dish, starting with a base of fresh-baked bread and topped with caramelized onions, olives, tomatoes, and various herbs.

Kid: Focaccia actual comes from the Latin language and can be translated as “focus”, which is appropriate considering the strong ties between food and familial love in Italy.

Baby Girl: So it’s fancy pizza?

Italian Man: It’s pizza with love

Italian Man: So anyone coming to help?

Baby Girl: Sounds good! I’ll pick up some olives on the way over

Kid: And I’ll buy the tomatoes.

Mother JJ: You bet I’m coming, anything you want me to bring?

Italian Man: Honestly? I’ve got all the ingredients already, but I don’t trust all of you to correctly cook it, so having extra is a good idea

Baby Girl: >:(

Mother JJ: Extra onions from me in that case

E Prentiss: I’ll come but I can’t be bothered to go to the store 

Italian Man: Understandable, be here by 5:30. The tardy will starve 

Mother JJ: Yes, sir 

2:25 pm

Direct message from “Emily” to “The Child”

Emily: REID HELP

The Child: What’s the matter?

Emily: JJ will be there and cooking a meal is one of the most intimate things on the planet!!!

The Child: Who said that, exactly?

Emily: Not the point, you’re the only other person on this team who could give me tips on flirting with someone of the same sex

The Child: You’d actually be the best source for talking to women, since you know both what it feels like to be on the giving and receiving end of female flirting.

Emily: Ok well it sounds weird when you say it like that

Emily: Just give me advice, I’m going insane over here 

The Child: I recommend pretending to slip from the support of your crutches and falling flat on your face. Maybe yelp on the way down, just to sell the performance. She’ll be concerned and will lift you back up.

Emily: Reid no offense, but your advice is shit

The Child: We’re both on crutches, and I was trying to appeal to something that I’ve already attempted and you could try yourself.

Emily: How did the falling on your face routine work last time?

The Child: That paramedic was very attractive. I take what I can get, Emily.

The Child: JJ is a sweet, patient person who values honesty; if you’re authentic with how you present yourself, and the attraction between both of you is genuine, eventually you’ll end up together. 

Emily: Finally, some advice I can use!

Emily: Thanks Reid, love you

The Child: I love you most.

Emily: >:(((((

The Child: >:)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t worry: I will cover what happened at dinner next time, because throwing five adult children in a kitchen is bound to create chaos.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rossi is the main character, surprisingly enough

3:00 pm

Direct message from “D Rossi” to “Bossman” 

D Rossi: The team and I are making focaccia bread tonight, interested in coming?

Bossman: Too many write ups to finish, sorry

Bossman: But feel free to save me a piece 

D Rossi: Will do

Bossman: Actually, Jack is at my house this weekend, so if I let you use my kitchen, could you watch him this evening?

D Rossi: You want a bunch of drunk FBI agents to babysit your son?

Bossman: Correct 

D Rossi: Well sure, I didn’t want to have to clean my kitchen in the morning anyways

Bossman: Thanks, I owe you one 🙏

D Rossi: A bit more than one, Hotch, but I’m a merciful man

Bossman: You’re in charge of filing reports for the next case

D Rossi: Son of a bitch 

6:57 pm

Baby Girl: @Italian Man what’s your address again???

7:03 pm

Baby Girl: Nvm I found it!

Baby Girl: And quite a few pictures of you and your ex-wife in Vegas 😳

Morgan: Which one?

Baby Girl: Dirty blonde hair, green-gray eyes

Italian Man: Ah, you mean Krystall, my lovely third wife

Morgan: How many girls have you married??? You’re like a modern day Henry VIII

E Prentiss: That’s a lot of Roman numerals and I do not understand 

Kid: Henry the Eighth, or VIII, an English king who married six women between 1509-1547.

Baby Girl: Wow they really had a thot for a king

E Prentiss: I wish I had six wives :( 

Kid: Agreed.

Morgan: Don’t we all?

Italian Man: You grown adults have been sitting in my living room, texting each other, for the past three minutes 

Italian Man: Help me make the bread or I swear to whatever god you believe in I will make this night hell on earth

E Prentiss: Ok damn, we’re getting up, but I’m looking into those wives of yours with Garcia later ;)

Baby Girl: That sounds gay Emily

E Prentiss: Yeah I get that a lot

7:26 pm

Morgan: [Image: David Rossi, crouching on the floor, eating a long strand of spaghetti hanging in Garcia’s fingertips. The entire team, except Morgan and Hotch, are laughing in the background, and Rossi has a small grin of amusement] 

Morgan: Look at him go

Kid liked the photo

Baby Girl liked the photo

Mother JJ liked the photo

E Prentiss liked the photo

Bossman liked the photo

Italian Man: I despise you all

Kid: We love you too ❤️


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JJ? More like Gay-J. God, I’m hilarious

12:20 am

Baby Girl: [Image: JJ and Jack are curled up on the couch. JJ’s right arm is wrapped around his chest and their left hands are intertwined. Emily is asleep on the other end of the couch, Jack’s legs stretching out enough to lay over her ankles. There’s spaghetti in her hair and her crutches are covered in stickers of cars]

Kid: Oh my god, that is so precious!

Kid liked the photo

Baby Girl: Ikr 🥺🥺🥺🥺

Kid: I’m releasing my official statement: JJ and Em would make great moms. 

Baby Girl: The audience unanimously agrees!

Kid: [Image: Garcia is on an armchair near the kitchen entrance, giggling at her phone while Morgan sleeps on a pile of blankets a few feet away]

Baby Girl: [Image: Reid dropping his phone on the ground, mere inches from Rossi’s head, a look of panic on his face]

Baby Girl: REID YOU ARE SO LUCKY THAT DIDNT HIT HIM

Baby Girl: YOUR ASS WOULDVE BEEN TOAST

Kid: Garcia, no text shouting; it’s past midnight.

Italian Man: How about no texting at all??? It’s too late for this shit

Baby Girl: Oop-

Kid: *oops

Baby Girl: I said what I said, kiddo, and we’ll put our phones away

Italian Man: Finally, good night

Kid: Sweet dreams.

12:42 am

Baby Girl: Sucker

Morgan: Princess, my phone has dinged over fifteen times because of this group chat, you better listen to Rossi or I’ll be grouchy as hell when the sun comes up 

Baby Girl: You’re fun when you’re grouchy, prince

Morgan: You’re killing me here mama ;)

Kid: Both of you are the reason I refuse to be straight.

Morgan: Stfu, isn’t it past your bedtime?

Baby Girl: Reid, go to bed so the adults can talk

Kid: Fine, but I’ll be eavesdropping from my space on the floor. I’m inescapable.

12:45 am

Direct message from “Mama” to “Chocolate thunder”

Mama: He can’t get us here >:)

Chocolate thunder: The smartest blonde I know, right here

Mama: Oh how you woo me

Mama: I SEE YOU FALLING ASLEEP OVER THERE

Mama: YOUR EYES BETTER OPEN BACK UP

Mama: NOOOOOOO

8:16 am

E Prentiss: Rossi you motherfucker, you kicked me out without even letting me pack my shit

Italian Man: You all were going to wake up Jack with your screaming, and we need to be at the bureau in an hour anyway

Kid: Can I at least come in? I need coffee.

Italian Man: Exile will give you a chance to reflect on your caffeine addiction.

Kid: This whole situation screams “homophobia”. I cast scorn upon you, David.

E Prentiss: Wow Rossi.

Baby Girl: Woow Rossi.

Morgan: Wooow Rossi.

Bossman: Woooow Dave.

Italian Man: FINE COME BACK IN JESUS CHRIST 

Bossman: It’s my house, and only I can give them permission to go inside 

Morgan: Father, may we enter?

Bossman: You may


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, will this story actually have a plot??? Who knows!  
> There’s mentions of throwing up, and the chunk of text surrounded by ** indicates where it starts and ends. You’re not missing anything if you skip that part

7:02 am

Kid: No work today, stomach ache. :(

Mother JJ: What’s the issue Reid?

Kid: It’s called insane amounts of stress and having to hold my body up with one working leg.

Morgan: No, it’s called eating an entire tub of fudge chocolate frosting dipshit

Mother JJ: You’re grounded kiddo, no more sugar for the rest of the week

Kid: But it’s Tuesday! I will literally die without sugar for five days! 

Morgan: Group vote: can Reid have sugar within the next five days? 👍 for yes, 👎 for no

E Prentiss: 👎

Italian Man: 👎

Baby Girl: 👎

Bossman: 👎

Morgan: 👎

Mother JJ: 👎

Kid: 👍🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Morgan: Sorry, that’s democracy for you

Kid: I wish we were back in feudalism-dominated England, so I could be lord of my manor and gorge on as many sugary foods as I want.

E Prentiss: Sucks to suck 

9:13 am

Direct message from “Emily” to “The Child”

Emily: Ok but like, did you see that pic of me and JJ from a few nights ago??? 👉👈

The Child: I refuse to speak to the woman who denied me sugar.

Emily: Fine, I’ll go out myself to the rest of the team and talk about my problems with them

The Child: Everyone is aware you’re a lesbian, Emily. There is no “outing” to be done.

Emily: Stfu

The Child: I get that a lot, but what does it actually mean?

Emily: Shut the fuck up

The Child: I need to speak so I can ask my question. Now, what does it stand for?

The Child: Wait.

Emily: Mr. 187 IQ finally learned what an acronym is, congratulations 

The Child: Regardless of that, I did in fact see the picture. You two were very cute together.

Emily: Hell yeah we were 🥺 Deadass we’d make a great team of moms, raising our child during the day and kicking ass at work at night 

The Child: Do you ever plan on making a move to make that fantasy a reality? You’ve been discussing the prospect of dating JJ for the past three months.

Emily: I’ve got a plan in mind, but the right time never comes to enact it

Emily: Besides, I don’t see you with anyone hanging off your elbow, so you’re kinda a hypocrite for talking about me not making a move

The Child: First off, kind of, not kinda.

The Child: And second of all, I actually have a dinner date tomorrow.

Emily: OH MY GOD YOU SHOULDVE TOLD ME SOONER!!!!! CONGRATS!!!! LITTLE REIDS FIRST DATE!!!!!!!

The Child: I’ve gone on dates before, but I seldom tell the team about it. 

Emily: WELL OBVIOUSLY, I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO YELL ABOUT HOW GREAT THIS IS 

9:16 am

E Prentiss: GUYS REID HAS A DATE TOMORROW 

Baby Girl: OwO?

Bossman: If you say OwO again I’m permanently evicting you from both this group chat and my life

Baby Girl: ÓnÒ

“Bossman” removed “Baby Girl” from the chat

Bossman: So who’s the lucky person?

Kid: He’s just a man I met on Tinder, he’s named Adam.

Italian Man: Well this Adam character has to be approved by me, seeing as I’m your honorary father figure

Kid: This is our third date; I believe we’re past the point of questioning his morality. 

Morgan: Third??? THIRD???

Mother JJ: Why don’t you tell us this stuff???? Adam sounds like someone we’d want to meet

Kid: Once we’re to the point of being a more established couple, I’ll bring Adam by the bureau to meet you all, but for now you’re stuck with my idealized retelling of our time together. 

E Prentiss: I can live with that

Morgan: Well what’s he like? 

Mother JJ: As your mom, I’m required to know all the details

E Prentiss: Reid?

**

Kid: Sorry, I just threw up all over my living room floor. Morgan was right: it was definitely because of the frosting!

Bossman: Jesus Christ Spencer, that’s gross

Baby Girl: Damn I rejoin the chat and I’m greeted with Reid tossing his frosting? Smh 

**

Italian Man: Garcia how did you get back in???

Baby Girl: I’m just that good, pops

Baby Girl: But have fun on your date!!! Send us some good gossip later

E Prentiss: He won’t get any gossip if he stays frosting-sick

Kid: I will, for once, listen to your patronizing demands: I’ll keep away from sugar for today and tomorrow. 

Bossman: Good, because I don’t want you coming into work green in the face

10:56 am

Bossman: Wheels up in 20, I’ve been told of an urgent case in North Carolina, you’ll be briefed on the plane

Kid: The one day I can’t come to work I miss an emergency case.

Mother JJ: Trust me, it’s for the best you won’t be there

Kid: Why?

Bossman: Four men are dead, and they all look exactly like you


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gets kind of wordy during the Garcia and Reid parts where she explains the case. On the bright side, more drunk shenanigans from Emily!

Direct message from “Mama” to “The Child”

10:05 pm

Mama: Ok kiddo, I’m sending updates on our NC case

The Child: Isn’t this a breach of the bureau’s privacy policy? What if someone hacks into one of our phones?

Mama: Sugar, I’ve got firewalls on my phone that are stronger than steel, and all my private messages automatically delete after six minutes 

Mama: In short, no one’s getting this info unless you want them to. I’d tell you this through the group chat, but Hotch would get on my ass

The Child: That’s reassuring, but also rather scary to know you can manipulate data that’s intangible so efficiently.

Mama: Idk what you just said but thank you <3

Mama: Anyways- our suspect is a North Carolina native who’s picking off male students attending East Carolina University. All four victims are mirror images of each other, both in terms of appearance and social status

The Child: Their statuses being?

Mama: Middle class natives, the first two victims having spotty juvenile records and the last two having prison records as adults. First, we had a sixteen day gap between kills, then eight, and this last one only had four

The Child: I’m assuming these are the four victims who all look like me?

Mama: You assume correct. Does your lovely little brain have any theories?

The Child: Well, he’s timing his kills to coincide with 16 and its factors, so 16 must have some special meaning to them. How were the men killed?

Mama: Exact same way each time: Two shots between the eyes, two through the heart

The Child: Four shots, four being the square root of sixteen. Did he miss any shots, like not going directly through their hearts or brains?

Mama: Perfect aim each time. The forensic pathologist is saying there’s imprints on all four victims chests, right around the first bullet hole

Mama: Hotch is ringing, so I gotta go, but I’ll keep you in the loop as much as possible <3

The Child: Thanks Garcia, I appreciate it.

12:00 am 

E Prentiss: It’s officially a new day and we all could use some alcohol 

E Prentiss: Anyone wanna come to my room and get fucked up on cheap beer?

Baby Girl: Love, I’d be there in a heartbeat if I was with you, this case is a killer

Morgan: Pun intended?

Mother JJ: Yeah, this one has been killing us all

Bossman: You are all terrible people

“Baby Girl” changed “Bossman”’s name to “Buzzkill”

Buzzkill: STOP

E Prentiss: Terrible people club in JJ and I’s room!! Bring your own questionable moral compass 

Italian Man: Count me out, I drink wine and only wine

E Prentiss: Loser

Kid: I suppose without me, you’re the new punching bag, Rossi. 

Morgan: Reid really hit the point right between the eyes huh

“Buzzkill” removed “Morgan” from the chat

Baby Girl: Since when does Hotch have admin privileges????

Buzzkill: I’ve got a few tricks of my own

Buzzkill: You all stay up no later than 1:30 with a maximum of two beers per person, and then everyone returns to their rooms and goes to sleep

Kid: Ha, Hotch gave you all a bedtime.

Buzzkill: Yours is 1, Reid

Kid: Goddammit!

9:26 am

Mother JJ: Dad help, Emily’s day drinking again 

Buzzkill: Typical Thursday for her

Mother JJ: We have to meet the head of the Greenville police force in two hours!!!! Do you know how long it takes for the body to completely absorb alcohol!!!!!!

Buzzkill: Ask Reid

Kid: There’s actually a lot of factors that go into one’s rate of sobering up! Sex and age both play their parts, but so does metabolism, weight and the contents of your stomach. 

Kid: In America, the legal definition of “drunk” is having 0.08 grams per deciliter of water in your bloodstream. So, assuming she drank her typical 2.25 glasses of red wine, it’s already entered her bloodstream and will leave her body sooner than, say, 2.25 cans of beer. 

E Prentiss: I want chickmen sanbwicch <:(

Kid: If I’m getting correct estimates on Em’s height and weight, as well as assuming she hasn’t eaten breakfast yet, it’ll take approximately nine hours for her to be completely sober, although most of the physical side effects will disappear before that point.

Mother JJ: Gold star for Spence

Kid: :)

Mother JJ: I locked Emily in the bathroom. Don’t go in there unless you’re feeding her, giving her water, or the building’s about to explode. Any other reason, and someone’s ass is getting whooped

E Prentiss: FREE ME

“Buzzkill” changed “E Prentiss”’s name to “Alcoholic”

Baby Girl: That wording might be. A tad strong

“Baby Girl” changed “Alcoholic”’s name to “Wine Mom”

Wine Mom: C, Garvia always got me back 

Mother JJ: Not even sucking up to our resident tech genius can get you out of this one

Wine Mom: Bit JJ,,., how culd u stay.,,,,, mad at meee?

Kid: She’s crytyping; kick her.

“Wine Mom” left the chat

Kid: Even while completely unhinged, Emily is one step ahead of us all.

Buzzkill: Amen

Mother JJ: 🙏🙏🙏


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said in the description that I’ve got no clue where to take this story. Today, I prove that fact. Merry Christmas, your present this year is Derek Morgan saying 🥸 and Rossi using the word himbo

Direct message from “Emily” to “The Child”

10:59 pm

Emily: I’ve been without the team’s group chat chaos for a whole day, please add me back

The Child: I don’t have administrative privileges. Try asking Hotchner!

Emily: I’m not groveling at his feet again, I already did that on Thursday to get out of the fucking bathroom 

The Child: Did you think about what you did wrong while in timeout?

Emily: Stg when your plane lands here I’m disemboweling you and all the people you’ve ever loved

The Child: So, you’re saying you will disembowel yourself?

Emily: THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR FLATTERY 💞💞💞🥺🥺❤️❤️❤️💞💞

The Child: 💞

The Child: I’ll tell Hotch you learned your lesson about alcohol consumption and tell him to add you to the chat.

Emily: Reid you’re my savior

The Child: I am a merciful god.

Direct message from “The Child” to “Bossman”

11:02 pm

The Child: Can you add Emily back to the group chat? She’s learned her lesson and will discontinue her habit of fixing her problems via alcohol.

Bossman: What kind of problems is she having? 

The Child: That was meant more as a sarcastic line, but I guess it’s true in some regards. Emily’s having romantic troubles.

Bossman: I’m taking a wild guess and saying her problems are with JJ

The number you are trying to reach has blocked you

11:04 pm

Emily: What’d he say???

The Child: Hotch is a dead end; contact Garcia about getting re-added.

Emily: At least you tried buddy, gn 

The Child: Good night! 🌙 

11:12 pm

“Baby Girl” added “E Prentiss” to the chat 

1:46 am

Morgan: I’m bored and too paranoid about Reid to sleep, what should I do

Italian Man: Hot shower

Baby Girl: Bake a cake!

E Prentiss: Suck my dick 

Morgan: Thank you exclusively to Rossi and my princess, Emily go fuck yourself

E Prentiss: That’s what I was doing before you hit up the chat

Baby Girl: OK TMI EMILY

Italian Man: That was the opposite of what I wanted to hear tonight

Kid: KICK HER GARCIA.

E Prentiss: GUYS I WAS JOKING I WOULDNT TELL YOU IF I WAS JACKING OFF

Morgan: It better stay that way 🥸

E Prentiss: What does 🥸 mean???

1:52 am

E Prentiss: DEREK WHAT DOES IT MEAN?????????

Morgan: Now’s an important time to say that Emily definitely had an uncomfortably sexual sense of humor in high school and it carried over to her adult life 🥸

E Prentiss: You don’t know shit bucko 

Mother JJ: To be fair, didn’t we all back then?

Kid: I graduated high school when I was twelve, so I didn’t have much time to develop an appreciation for raunchy jokes at the time. But, if I did, I definitely would’ve made the same jokes Emily makes nowadays. 

Morgan: I’m guessing you liked puns as a teen

Kid: :D How did you know?

E Prentiss: It’s too easy

Kid: You’re easy.

Mother JJ: Oh my god Reid you fucking got her

E Prentiss: DO ALL OF YOU THINK IM A THOT??? IS THAT THE CONSENSUS???

Morgan: Like this message if you agree Emily’s the whore of Babylon 

Morgan liked the message

Kid liked the message

Italian Man liked the message

Mother JJ liked the message

Morgan: Glad we established that 👍

E Prentiss: Feels ironic, coming from THE Derek Morgan

Italian Man: Morgan is what the kids nowadays call a “himbo”

Mother JJ: Himbo in high school, himbo in adult life, it adds up 

Baby Girl: Maybe he was like. Slightly homophobic 

Morgan: If I’m getting the homophobe tag tonight for being a stupid teenager, then somebody else is coming down with me

Baby Girl: I choose JJ

Kid: Seconded.

Mother JJ: Y’all wouldn’t believe me if I said I identified as a lesbian in high school

E Prentiss: o_ o

Baby Girl: OwO????? JJ lore?????

Direct message from “Emily” to “The Child”

1:55 am

Emily: YOOOOOOOOOOOO

The Child: Shh, Hotch is sleeping!

Emily: yoooooooooooo

1:56 am

Baby Girl: Well sorry for making assumptions!

Mother JJ: I would’ve said the same thing; we can get into it later, but right now we should all probably try to get some sleep

E Prentiss: Gn fellas

Morgan: 🥸

Italian Man: Silence, himbo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that ended abruptly, di


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I’ve not included them as much as I should up until this point, but I promise the next chapter will have lots of good Rossi and JJ content. Swearsies

1:30 pm

Baby Girl: 👱🏻♂️  
👚  
🤜🏻🤛🏻  
🩳  
👞👞

Morgan: White man Dora the explorer?

Baby Girl: NO ITS THE I HAD TO DO IT TO EM GUY

Mother JJ: What did you do to Emily?

Baby Girl: 99% of the time you guys are the light of my life. Today is the other 1%

Buzzkill: Six people are dead

Buzzkill: And my phone is buzzing in my pocket

Buzzkill: I look and see my technical analyst and my supposed “cream of the crop” team talking about white man Dora

E Prentiss: This whole dead people talk is really killing the mood

Buzzkill: You’re filing all the reports for this case when we get back to Virginia

E Prentiss: Homophobia once again rears its ugly head unu

4:56 pm

Kid: I’ve come up with an interesting theory regarding the unsub, specifically about his obsession with sixteen.

Kid: Sixteen has significance in a deck of tarot cards, representing the Tower. It is described as being chaotic, a sign of disarray or destruction, but also has roots in the concept of liberation. This unsub uses murder as a way of conveying the chaos in his own life, probably caused or worsened by some tragedy, and finds himself “enlightened” by destroying someone else’s life.

Kid: The root of sixteen, four, also represents a card in your average tarot deck: it’s the Emperor, who offers those who draw him stability and aid, harmony as opposed to sixteen’s discord. The suspect likely has a simultaneous victim and god complex, as he sees himself as being victim to the misfortunes and chaos of life, as well as the harbored and ultimate conquerer of it.

Italian Man: So we’re not looking at a man with a major in math?

Kid: We’re looking for a middle aged white male who majored in social studies or humanities.

Baby Girl: That changes the name of the game completely, sugar

Buzzkill: How about we all come back from the field and talk in the main office? Get here ASAP, we need to readjust the profile

Kid: Do we need anything?

Baby Girl: I’m good 👍

Italian Man: Just bring your A-game

Buzzkill: Sour cream and onion chips and as much Tylenol as you can find

Kid: Need ginger ale with that?

Buzzkill: Yes please 

Baby Girl: The tables have turned, and we see the day where son takes care of father

Italian Man: Moments like these that make me proud to be an American 

6:10 pm

Morgan: You’re bunking with me tonight kid, I don’t wanna here any buts

Baby Girl: Can’t make your moves now sunshine, Reid’s taken by ~Adam~

Morgan: Shit I forgot about that! How was your date the other night?

Kid: Adam and I have made our relationship official. :)

Baby Girl: YESSSS!!! CONGRATULATIONS REID!!!

Morgan: I’m happy for you man, but he’s still gotta get approved by the team

E Prentiss: If someone’s dating one of us, they’re dating all of us 😤

Baby Girl: AMEN

Kid: If we’re back in town by next Wednesday, how about I bring him by the bureau? He’ll be off work that evening.

E Prentiss: Fine by me

Buzzkill: What kind of work does he do?

Kid: At the moment, he’s finishing his bachelor degree in construction and can’t get a job in that field, so he works at a Wendy’s.

Morgan: I always assumed you’d date like. A rocket scientist or Nobel prize winner

Kid: Dealing with bitchy customers requires a separate but equal kind of smart. 

Morgan: Fair enough 🥸

Kid: Hotch do I really have to bunk with this man?

Buzzkill: It’s either that or you sleep in the hallway 

Morgan: Sorry buddy, you’re stuck with me, if the unsub decides to pull something I’d be the best at fighting him

Morgan: My god he’s putting his blankets in the bathtub 

Kid: I will always find a way to pull through.

Morgan: REALLY YOURE STEALING ALL THE DOWN FEATHER PILLOWS????? YOUR STINGY ASS CANT LEAVE ONE????????

Kid: In life, it’s all about survival of the fittest.

Mother JJ: You’re literally on crutches

6:17 pm

Morgan: Omfg JJ you made him so mad that he tried to type out his pissed off response and fell over

Buzzkill: We’re on a time limit Reid, no time for fooling around 

Kid: I lay sick and festering on the ground, and you all look the other way. I have, and I say this in all sincerity, never felt so betrayed in my life.

E Prentiss: He’s crytyping; kick him

Kid: NO PLEASE

E Prentiss: REVENGE

“Buzzkill” removed “Kid” from the chat 

Morgan: 🥸

Mother JJ: 🥸

E Prentiss: 🥸

Baby Girl: 🥸

Buzzkill: I can and will bring the body count up to ten

6:20 pm

Buzzkill: That’s what I thought 😤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I making some pretty big leaps in logic with this chapter? Maybe. Am I giving up unique, detailed storytelling for the sake of jokes only .5% of the population will find funny? Yeah, probably. Am I a big fucking lesbian? Absolutely.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! I do appreciate all my lovely readers who’ve stuck by this fic from the beginning, as well as new fans. It feels great to ring in 2021 by doing what I truly love and getting to share it with y’all. Heart emoji, whimpering doe eyes emoji
> 
> Rossi and JJ stans, come get your food

5:56 am 

Mother JJ: I firmly believe that public humiliation is never the best way to go about teaching a lesson. Today, however, I must look inward and ask myself “is displaying an example of what not to do really so cruel? Can embarrassment be a good teacher after all?”

Mother JJ: And I find the answer to be yes

E Prentiss: If this is about the whole making your air fryer explode, then I’m for the hundredth time sorry

Mother JJ: That ain’t it chief

Italian Man: Wait Emily did what???

Mother JJ: I’m sitting in the back of an ambulance with none other than Reid, Spencer “Boy Wonder” Reid, who fell off the roof of the unsub’s house while trying to sneak in through the skylight

Italian Man: Honestly I saw that coming

E Prentiss: Did he at least take down the suspect?

Mother JJ: He fell through the ceiling and directly in front of him before THROWING HIS MANGLED BODY AT HIM AND WRESTLING THE UNSUB TO THE GROUND

E Prentiss: DO YOU HAVE PICTURES 

Mother JJ: GOD I WISH

Italian Man: At least we can stop making Derek triple-lock the hotel room doors at night

E Prentiss: He even locked mine for some reason! I went face first into a steel deadbolt when I was trying to reheat my McDonald’s 

Mother JJ: We’re at St Phillis, idk which room yet but I’ll send updates

Italian Man: I’ll wake the others up

Mother JJ: 👍

6:05 am

Direct message from “Local Gay” to “D Rossi”

Local Gay: You’ll need to bring some Jello and classical music, he’ll be here for a while 

D Rossi: Is this your sly way of coming out?

D Rossi: And I’ve already got it packed, as well as some throw blankets and science magazines 

Local Gay: Save me some trashy gossip tabloids 👀👀, and yes, I’m still trying to figure out what label I wanna use so gay seemed most appropriate 

D Rossi: Such a diverse team we have 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️

Local Gay: Trans flag???? What did I miss

D Rossi: I’m sworn to secrecy

Local Gay: Fair enough. Get some coffee creamer too, the only brand they have here looks expired

D Rossi: Yes ma’am 

6:45 am 

Italian Man: [Image: A cozy hospital room, decked out with blue and gold blankets, a travel shelf full of books, and a small TV. JJ sits to the left of Reid, who’s giving a peace sign, and Rossi’s thumb is covering about one tenth of the photo]

Italian Man: Ignore the thumb 

E Prentiss: It adds character 

Mother JJ: I’ll give you a whole lot of character if you don’t unfold the fucking wheelchair 

Kid: The girls are fighting!

Italian Man: My money’s on Emily, she throws a mean left hook

Kid: I’m rooting for you, JJ!

Italian Man: For when the rest of you wake up, a rundown: Prentiss pushes JJ against the wall and pins her wrists beside her

Mother JJ: This. Literally isn’t happening 

Kid: And a powerful side sweep from JJ! Prentiss may be down, but she’s still got fight in her. She pulls Jareau to the ground with her!

E Prentiss: Wtf????

Italian Man: They’re rolling on the ground, screaming profanities!!! Oh, the humanity

Kid: JJ has Emily pinned. She stares into her eyes and lets her breathing settle. 

E Prentiss: I’m taking all the bolts out of your wheelchair >:(

Mother JJ: And I’m sewing all your fingers together

E Prentiss: These fuckers are literally clutching their stomachs, doubled over laughing

E Prentiss: The things I could do if I had my gun 

Kid: I’m too “soft” to get shot. The supposed purity I offer is too much for the group to give up.

E Prentiss: All your bones are pretty fucking soft right now Icarus

Kid: That’s a really neat name! When you wake up, can you make that my nickname, admins?

Mother JJ: Even when all the bones in his body are broken and turned to Jello, he still finds a way to benefit from it smh

Kid: Jello yummy!!

E Prentiss: You’re gonna eat your bones? Am I interpreting this scene correctly?

Kid: If they taste like artificial strawberry and the joys of childhood, then yes, those little bitches are on the menu.

E Prentiss: Can’t argue with that ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Direct message from “Local Gay” to “D Rossi”

6:53 am 

Local Gay: Tbh I wouldn’t even be mad if Emily decided to pin my gay ass to the wall

D Rossi: As the kids say nowadays, go to horny jail 

Direct message from “Emily” to “The Child”

6:54 am 

Emily: I want JJ to swipe sweep my gay ass onto the ground and hover menacingly over me as the anger and violent tension between us grows

The Child: This was more painful to read than me literally falling fourteen feet and breaking four of my ribs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I was just about to get rid of Reid’s crutches too. Emily is, in fact, off of hers: her McFuck up in chapter one has been redeemed


	10. ~Updates~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I talk about mortality, rare diseases, and (third noun that’s humorous)

Short version: updates will likely be pretty sporadic for the next month or month-and-a-half

Long version: In December of 2019, I started a new mood stabilizer called Lamotrigine. It’s used mostly to treat seizures, but can also be used as an anti-psychotic. In late January of 2020, I suffered through a rare and highly fatal disease known as toxic epidermal necrolysis as a result of my dosage being increased.

As you can probably guess, this wasn’t very poggers.

It’s fair to say I’ve been in a bit of denial up until December of last year, and that’s when it finally hit me- truly and painfully- how awful the experience was. My skin blistered and fell off around me, and there was no cure. There still isn’t. It also came to my attention that I’m taking a few antidepressants that can trigger the same reaction, but I’m stuck staying on them. Quitting my meds, even if I went off them gradually, would send me right back into how I was before I was medicated, and frankly I’d rather burn from the inside out than feel like I did back in 2019.

But now it’s finally catching up to me. I’ve went through every trick in the book to try and convince myself I won’t get sick like that again, so instead of truly processing what I’d say is the worst event in my life, I was lying to myself with the belief that it’s all in the past. I’m still littered with mottled skin and cursed with dry eye, so clearly the incident is not behind me. I’m struggling to move on with life.

Don’t be too concerned- I don’t have any intentions to hurt or kill myself; I’m only trying to process all that went down last year. I enjoy writing this silly little fic that a few of you seem to have fallen in love with. Expect updates, but not consistent ones- healing doesn’t work on a schedule.

I appreciate everyone respecting how I’m feeling. LOL (lots of love),

PNG


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They’re starting a family together UwU 🌸

10:30 am

Baby Girl: We should all adopt a plant

Buzzkill: I don’t trust anyone on this team to take care of a living being 

E Prentiss: I have a cat

Buzzkill: They’re fairly self sufficient, but a plant? It needs you for everything 

Morgan: Sounds like Spence

Kid: I’m rotting away in a wheelchair and that’s all you have to say to me? Shall those be your final words to me before I die?

Morgan: Yes <3

Kid: I feel infuriated.

Kid: But regardless; we’re out of the building too much to take care of something long term. The plant would need to be hardy.

Morgan: Tree?

Kid: Indoors? Does your foolish mind understand the basics of tree psychology?

E Prentiss: D- do you mean physiology?

Baby Girl: GET HIS ASS

“Baby Girl” changed “Kid”’s name to “Dumb little boy”

Dumb little boy: I HAVE MORE COLLEGE CREDENTIALS THAN THE ENTIRE TEAM COMBINED.

E Prentiss: Mf deadass can’t even use all his fancy fucking words correctly little piss baby lmfaooooo

Buzzkill: That did not resemble the English language in any way

Italian Man: I’m partial to chia plants, specifically of the ~ pet variety ~

Buzzkill: Rossi please. I’m on my knees begging right now. You’re a grown ass man

Italian Man: Grownups are allowed to have fun buzzkill

Baby Girl: Can we get a Bob Ross one plz 🥺🥺

Morgan: Maybe something outside of the uncanny valley?

Dumb little boy: A cat?

E Prentiss: I’m allergic

Dumb little boy: But it’s not even a real cat?

Morgan: Do they have like a race car or sumn

E Prentiss: I can smell the testosterone from across the room

Baby Girl: Doggie?

E Prentiss: I’m down with doggie

Italian Man: Seconded, I approve of doggie

Dumb little boy: Doggie’s fine by me.

Morgan: Fourth vote for doggie

Mother JJ: Just saw this, and yes: doggie chia pet

Buzzkill: If you all insist, then I suppose doggie

Baby Girl: MAMAS GOING TO THE STORE THEN BRB

Mother JJ: Not so fast, we’ve got to sort through some cases we might have to take, see what’s most important 

Baby Girl: Doggie will have to wait 👊😔🤚

7:12 pm

Dumb little boy: Wait a second, Emily has a cat!

E Prentiss: No I don’t :/

Dumb little boy: You’re blatantly lying.

Morgan: I’m at her apartment rn, no cat in sight

Dumb little boy: I AM LOOKING AT YOU SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HOTCH LAUGHING.

Buzzkill: No, we’re in Emily’s kitchen 

E Prentiss: He’s going off the rails

Dumb little boy: [Image: a screenshot of the messages from earlier. Emily is saying “I have a cat”.] [Image: Derek and Aaron are sitting next to each other near the end of the bullpen. They both have an amused look on their face.]

Dumb little boy: The proof is in the pudding.

Buzzkill: That must’ve been photoshopped 

E Prentiss: Misleading and deceiving doesn’t look sexy on you Reid

Dumb little boy: Guys

Dumb little boy: Please

Morgan: No <3

Dumb little boy: I can cry on command; do not make me use this power. 

E Prentiss: You gonna cry? Maybe piss your pants?

Morgan: DONT FINISH THAT SENTENCE I DONT WANNA PICTURE THAT

Dumb little boy: What would the rest say?

Buzzkill: Finish it and I’m banning doggie

E Prentiss: Maybe be an upstanding member of society?

Morgan: Thank god 🙏🥸

Buzzkill: Ok, bit’s over, go back to work

E Prentiss: Use the Funny Emoji

Dumb little boy: Please!

Buzzkill: 🥸🔫 This is a threat

7:30 pm

Buzzkill: Such a hardworking team I have


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rushed ending? Who? Don’t know her 💅

6:26 am

Baby Girl: [Image: Garcia holds in her hand a chia pet shaped like a wiener dog.] Y’all won’t believe what I got

Mother JJ: WAIT I PICKED ONE UP TOO

Baby Girl: NO STFU

Mother JJ: [Image: JJ is standing in front of the mirror in the women’s restroom. Her gray phone is in one hand, and a chia pet the same shape as Garcia’s is in the other. She is visibly distraught, as if she’s experienced the horrors of war.] 

Baby Girl: NOOOOO

Dumb little boy: I have bad news.

Dumb little boy: [Image: Yet another dog chia pet, this time set on the break room counter and wearing an origami hat.]

Mother JJ: I’m deeply shaken by what has occurred. And I want a tiny hat

Dumb little boy: I’ll have one on your desk in 3.20 minutes.

Mother JJ: Even in the darkest of times, Spencer’s a ride or die

Morgan: So uhhhh

Baby Girl: Oh god please no

Morgan: I THOUGHT HE WOULD NEED SOMEONE TO KEEP HIM COMPANY SO I BOUGHT TWO

Mother JJ: SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH YOU DID NOT

Mother JJ: HOW MANY ARE WE UP TO NOW??????

Dumb little boy: Five.

E Prentiss: Make that six 😶

Baby Girl: Anyone wanna add something?

Italian Man: Bring the total up to eight, one from me and one from Strauss

Baby Girl: ARE YOU SHITTING ME

Baby Girl: ERIN STRAUSS BOUGHT A CHIA PET

Italian Man: No shit to be found 

Mother JJ: I’m about to have a hissy fit

Dumb little boy: Why is everyone getting so worked up over this? I’m looking at pictures of severed limbs and you two seem more upset than me.

Baby Girl: We’re doing a bit, go back to your hat folding, peasant 

Dumb little boy: I move to name Pen’s chia pet Bitch.

Italian Man: Seconded

Mother JJ: The movement is annulled, no bail posted, we’re not naming one of our children Bitch

E Prentiss: Not even holding trial? That’s pretty McFucked up

Mother JJ: I will shove. Your own chia pet. Up your ass.

Dumb little boy: She’d be into it.

E Prentiss: REID YOU BITCH

Buzzkill: I’m not letting this argument go any further, I want all of you to bring the plants to my office and come to the case room for a briefing

Dumb little boy: Can we bring them with us?

Buzzkill: No <3

“Baby Girl” changed “Buzzkill”’s name to “<3”

<3: I didn’t even know you could make a nickname out of nothing but numbers and symbols

Baby Girl: I’m that powerful 

7:00 am

Dumb little boy: Hotch, I can’t get to your office, there’s no ramp to roll up. 

<3: I was joking when I told everyone to give me their plants

Dumb little boy: I don’t trust the other people in this building enough to leave Icarus on my desk. Please come pick him up!

E Prentiss: Oh my god you named it Icarus 🥺🥺

<3: I’ll come get it, I guess the bureau didn’t have the money for a ramp

Dumb little boy: You’d be surprised how costly some ramps can be! If we hire someone to create a custom one, we’d have to pay $100-250 per linear foot of ramp built, depending on the intensity of labor and materials used. The height of the regular staircase is approximately 14.25 feet, which equals 171 inches of height. Although the recommended building style in one foot of ramp per one inch of rise, it is possible to do it for two inches. We’d need 85.5 feet of space in that case, which is longer than the bullpen can provide, so a ramp is out of the question.

E Prentiss: Did you really have to explain all that only to tell us it can’t be done 

Dumb little boy: I like explaining things :)

Morgan: I’ll carry you, get the plant

Dumb little boy: You’re serious?

E Prentiss: [Image: Derek is holding Spencer over his shoulders, an amused look on his face. Reid is protesting, in the middle of yelling “MY FUCKING RIBS ARE TENDER”. Icarus is clutched in his hands.]

E Prentiss: Adam better watch his back

Dumb little boy: I despise both of you with all my heart- this is not an exaggeration. You both are the bane of my existence.

E Prentiss: We love you more 💕

7:36 am 

Morgan: Everyone send heart emojis to Pen so she won’t miss us when we’re gone

Morgan: 💖💖💖

Dumb little boy: ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Italian Man: 💝

Mother JJ: ❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️💕💕

E Prentiss: See you soon honey!!! <3<3<3

Morgan: I see you trying to sneak your phone in your pocket Hotch, send our resident princess some love 

<3: 🖤🖤🖤

Baby Girl: Much appreciated!

Baby Girl: Let me send something in return: 💛🤍💜🖤

Dumb little boy: Wait a second; I’d know those colors anywhere.

“Baby Girl” changed their name to “Baby Them”

Baby Them: From now on, I’ll be using they/them pronouns 💓

Morgan: Congrats Garcia, you’ve got all our support!

Mother JJ: We’ll celebrate when all of us are back in town, y’all want tequila?

Baby Them: Yes please 🥺

Mother JJ: You got it

Italian Man: Such a diverse group of misfits this team is 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️

<3: And it’s staying that way. You’re accepted completely, Garcia 

Baby Them: You’re all too good to me, I love you guys 

Dumb little boy: We love you more!

Baby Them: Impossible 🔫

Morgan: Possible 🔪

<3: Someone in Oregon used a knife to gut three children

<3: Maybe a knife emoji isn’t the most tasteful option

Morgan: Alright fellas, let’s go kick some bad guy ass

Mother JJ: Onward!

Italian Man: You guys are only proving that misfits is a good description for us

Baby Them: Oh my god. I just had an idea

“Baby Them” named the chat “Misfits”

Mother JJ: You really are a genius huh

Baby Them: I’ll come up with more witty and inventive nicknames while the rest of you do the dirty work

Morgan: See you soon sugar <3

Baby Them: 👋


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eh, not my best work ever, but not bad by any means. A decent way to kill four minutes.

1:40 pm

Italian Man: Who’s the hunk hanging off your arm Spencer?

Dumb little boy: There is no hunk; I’m merely vibing in Emily’s apartment. 

Mother JJ: I’m at her house and I don’t see you, idk why you’ve been on a lying streak lately

Dumb little boy: Naturally, the associate of the whore of Babylon practices the dark art of deception.

Mother JJ: Appalled I say, appalled at your baseless accusations 

<3: Jesus fucking Christ can we all focus on the dead fucking children for more than ten minutes goddammit

Mother JJ: o_ o

Dumb little boy: ó _ò

E Prentiss: HEARING YOU SAY THAT WITH TEXT TO SPEECH WAS THE FUNNIEST THING IVE EVER SEEN 

Italian Man: Reid’s apparently pretty focused on the guy eating his face

Italian Man: [Image: a well-dressed man has his arm hooked around Spencer’s, who has a sheepish expression. The man is giving his face a peck. Prentiss is next to them, hands blurred from clapping.]

Dumb little boy: We’re on lunch break, my lovely boyfriend drove all the way from Quantico to visit, let me live my life.

<3: When you’re back at the police station, you better be on your A game or I’m getting rid of the coffee maker 

Italian Man: Alright, that’s a line you shouldn’t cross

Mother JJ: All of us need our daily four cups of coffee to get by!

<3: You’ll all die of a heart attack before you get the chance to have children that aren’t plants, either from diabetes or your heart beating so fast it jumps out of your chest

E Prentiss: :: scoff:: coffee isn’t that fattening

Dumb little boy: One cup of straight black coffee is actually only two calories! I, with my use of five sugar packets per cup, bump up my calorie count to 62.

Mother JJ: Adam just gave Reid a little head pat and is fawning over his “big gay brain” 🥺 

Dumb little boy: Big Bi Brain is both more alliterative and accurate. 

E Prentiss: But back to the topic at hand,,, 👀👀 how are you and your boy??

Dumb little boy: THIS OS ADAM I TOOM SPENCERS PHONE TO SAY

Dumb little boy: WERE DOING GREAT

Mother JJ: [Image: Reid, despite towering over his boyfriend by about eight inches, is having trouble reaching his phone, which Adam is holding with his completely outstretched arm.]

Mother JJ: Fucking adorable

E Prentiss: If I was straight I’d ask for a threesome

Italian Man: Why did you have to say that. They were having a moment, Emily

Dumb little boy: You have to be in a twosome before graduating to three. Work on that!

Direct message from “Emily” to “The Child”

1:44 pm

Emily: You toothpick ass bitch, you filthy traitor. I come to you for solace and you spit in my face 

The Child: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Emily: After I smash Icarus into little doggie pieces, I’m gonna smash your man

The Child: Adam is gay, and so are you.

Emily: Why do you insist on ruining my dreams 

The Child: Why is your dream to sleep with my gay boyfriend?

1:52 pm

The Child: I see you over there, giggling with JJ; I’m over here laughing at how red your face is.

Emily: Just let me be gay and happy

Emily: Pls

The Child: Well, since you asked so nicely.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I return
> 
> As much as I enjoy writing about everyone’s favorite group of crackheads, I’m thinking of wrapping up this fic at 20 chapters. I have a bit of a habit of leaving plot lines hanging, so I plan to tie up any loose ends that have already been established. LOL (lots of love),  
> \- PNG

1:50 pm

“Local Gay” has added “Mama”, “D Rossi”, and “Chocolate Thunder” to the chat. Welcome!

Local Gay: I require assistance

D Rossi: Please let me enjoy the last ten minutes of my lunch break in peace

Chocolate Thunder: Ignore him, what’s up?

Mama: Do you need help finding a more clever nickname? I’ve got a few stockpiled away for everyone on the team

Local Gay: That’s definitely not it

Local Gay: I need help.,,.,,, asking someone out,.,.,.... 🥺

Chocolate Thunder: I’ll take a guess and say this someone is a girl 

Local Gay: 👉👈

D Rossi: That’s a yes from JJ

Mama: Good for you!! Who’s the lucky lady?

Local Gay: It’s a certain someone, and I’m not naming names, with really silky chocolate brown hair and a small drinking habit and gorgeous caramel eyes 

D Rossi: I’m flattered honestly, but I think our love must remain forbidden

Local Gay: EW NO ITS PRENTISS

Mama: Wow that’s gay JJ

“Mama” changed their name to “The Funny”

The Funny: Or shall I say: Gay-J

Chocolate Thunder: You shall not

The Funny: Well I’m deleting all the cool names I made for you >:((((( and you were gonna have a really good one too

Chocolate Thunder: What was it

The Funny: I’m not telling you now

Chocolate Thunder: :/

Local Gay: Guys please I need help getting a lady friend 

Chocolate Thunder: Go for the classics: roses, chocolate, and a card

Local Gay: I’m looking for any route but that chief

The Funny: Go streaking through her yard

Local Gay: How is that a confession???

The Funny: You’ll get laid

Local Gay: Ok, streaking is plan B, card and flowers is plan C

Chocolate Thunder: You’d rather get arrested for public nudity than drop some dough on a nice bouquet?

Local Gay: Yes.

Chocolate Thunder: You’re an imbecile 

Local Gay: Fine, now it’s plan D, fuck you and your tiny dick

D Rossi: How did we get here? Where did Hotch go wrong in his parenting?

Chocolate Thunder: IT IS NOT TINY JJ IM FUCKING PACKING

Local Gay: IVE FED MY DOG BISCUITS THAT WERE BIGGER THAN IT

The Funny: We only have three minutes until we have to head back to work, wrap up the bit

Chocolate Thunder: THIS IS IRONIC COMING FROM YOU FLAT ASS

Local Gay: YOURE JEALOUS OF MY GORGEOUS FIGURE 

D Rossi: I feel like I should be reporting them for sexual harassment 

The Funny liked the message

D Rossi: Can we please stop talking about Morgan’s fucking dick and JJ’s ass, we have a confession to plan

Local Gay: Lunch break is over, so ig we’ll come back to this later

The Funny: Bye guys!! Lots of love from Quantico <3

D Rossi: See you soon Garcia

Direct message from “The Funny” to “D Rossi”

2:00 pm

The Funny: You better keep me updated on the situation 👀

D Rossi: The murders?

The Funny: No, this fucking soap opera that our team has become

D Rossi: Will do

The Funny: You truly are my favorite Italian

D Rossi: What are friends for if not gossiping?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I look at the 500,000 character limit when I’m adding text, and I’m like “lmfao no ❤️“


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine’s Day, dear readers! Hope you’re taking the time to celebrate romance, friendship, and the strange, convoluted love triangle that your high school life has become. If that’s applicable, I mean.

5:43 am

Baby Them: [Image: nine dog-shaped chia pets with a fine layer of green sprouts on all their backs. Each dog has a paper name tag on, tied around their necks with string. Two of them are wearing paper hats]

Baby Them: With a certain special and sentimental holiday fast approaching, I gave them all themed names 💖

“E Prentiss” changed their name to “Proud Gay Mom”

Proud Gay Mom: I’m fucking ecstatic

Dumb little boy: Look how they’ve grown!! 

Baby Them: Babies,,,

Baby Them: The only one out of place is Reid’s, Icarus is too cool to change

Dumb little boy: :D

Proud Gay Mom: I’m waking up the others so they can meet their beautiful children

Dumb little boy: And I see you’ve kept Icarus in his hat.

Baby Them: He looks very dapper!

Morgan: You wake me up to look at pictures of plants?

Proud Gay Mom: Ok but like

Proud Gay Mom: [Image: A copied version of the picture Garcia sent earlier] LOOK AT THEM

Morgan: Sigh

“Morgan” changed their name to “Papa”

Papa: Ok fine, I guess he is my little pogchamp 

Papa: I’ll teach him the art of tackle football when he’s no longer a wee lad

Baby Them: Hate to break it to you but your child is a girl and is named Lacey

Papa: We shall still play football

Proud Gay Mom: You’ve grown to be a wonderful father in the short four years I’ve known you

Papa: I’m just talented like that 🥸

Proud Gay Mom: Never-mind, I’m taking back all the nice things I’ve ever said about you

Dumb little boy: You’ve never said anything nice about him.

Proud Gay Mom: Silence, thot

Baby Them: Hey, no fighting in front of the kids >:(

Proud Gay Mom: Who are you?? My babysitter??? I insult who I please

<3: You’re grounded Prentiss 

Proud Gay Mom: BUT MOooOOoOom

<3: One day of extra paperwork for each O you wrote, and no gay yearning for a week

Proud Gay Mom: BUT THATS THE BEST TYPE OF YEARNING 

Proud Gay Mom: THIS IS HOMOPHOBIA   
:: unholy screeching ::

<3: NO XBOX EITHER EMILY, IM TAKING ALL YOUR SHIT

Papa: You guys are in your thirties right?

Proud Gay Mom: SHUT UP BALD MAN

<3: Silence bald man

Baby Them: :o

Papa: 🥸

<3: Ok maybe we’re going too far with this bit

Papa: You think?????

10:06 am

<3: So I told Jack about the chia plants and he did the cutest thing

<3: [Image: A piece of paper depicting the “Hoch Family Tree”. Aaron is Jack’s dad, his chia pet is his brother, Spencer is his uncle, and Spencer’s chia pet is Jack’s cousin. It’s all written out in green crayon]

Dumb little boy: HE PUT ICARUS AND I IN IT??? IM 💖💖❣️💕💕💖

<3: He loves his uncle Spencer, I’m telling you

Dumb little boy: I’m a puddle. I am literally melting as we speak. My physical form is no longer relevant and I’ve ascended. 

<3: The only stipulation is that we have to name my plant Railroad

Dumb little boy: We, the collective of the BAU, are on board with that.

Papa: I hate to be That Guy, but don’t we have work to do? Y’know, corpses and moral degeneracy and stuff

<3: Why must you take this from me

Papa: Now you know how it feels 😤

<3: I am unfriending you. Garcia hasn’t taught me how to do that yet, but spiritually I no longer associate with you 

Papa: Finally!

<3: See, that was mean. No wonder I unfriended you

Dumb little boy: Hotch is ~cutting toxic people out of his life~ and I’m proud. 

Papa: Why do I put up with you guys???

Dumb little boy: The bureau is all any of us have left, and you as well as the rest of us know we’ll die here.

Papa: Like. Very depressing but also I’ll drink to that 

Papa: Wanna get shitfaced tonight?

Dumb little boy: I would love nothing more.

1:46 pm

D Rossi: Hey JJ does Emily like snakes?

Local Gay: I don’t have any reason to believe she doesn’t so. Take that as you will

D Rossi: Excellent. I know a guy a few districts over who has a breeding business and owes me a favor

Local Gay: Is this business legal?

D Rossi: I’m not a snitch

Local Gay: We’re all snitches. We are literally part of the government 

D Rossi: He’s about to retract the offer, yes or no on the snakes?

The Funny: Please say no

Local Gay: I want big snake please

D Rossi: Big snake coming right up

1:56 pm

D Rossi: The latest he can bring the snake is two weeks from now

Local Gay: That’s sus

D Rossi: He’s skipping town two Saturdays from now and can’t stay any later, you know how it is

Local Gay: Apparently I don’t!

Local Gay: I guess we’re doing this in two weeks then

The Funny: Theydies and gentlethems, we’ve got some planning to do

Local Gay: It’ll have to wait

Local Gay: Hotch will call you soon PG and give you a debriefing

The Funny: But I wanna be a party planner :(

Local Gay: Well Reid found a dead child in his hotel room so

The Funny: HE WHAT??

2:10 pm

The Funny: JJ YOU CANT LEAVE ME HANGING LIKE THAT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take a shot every time I say “no longer”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’ve all seen gremlin Reid and feral changeling child Prentiss, but tonight I present to you: fuckboy Rossi

9:45 pm

“Dumb little boy” changed their name to “Prisoner”

Prisoner: I’m back under house arrest.

Papa: Oh stfu

Prisoner: The warden here refuses to let me practice my first amendment rights; please send a lawyer.

<3: Reid.

Prisoner: He won’t let Adam visit!

Papa: We’re working a case and someone LEFT A CORPSE IN YOUR BATHTUB 

Prisoner: ADAM DIDN’T DO THAT! I NEED EMOTIONAL SUPPORT IN THESE TRYING TIMES!

<3: What can Adam do for you that Morgan can’t? He’s an expert in physical combat 

Prisoner: I can’t describe the things Adam can do knowing I have a son back home.

Papa: Hotch I can’t bunk with this twink of a man

Papa: Please switch with me

<3: You really want to share a room with Rossi??

Papa: More than anything

<3: If you insist, pack your stuff and make the bed

Prisoner: This’ll give us an opportunity for some father-son bonding time!

<3: It’ll have to wait until tomorrow junior, I’m calling Jack then crashing

Prisoner: Goodnight, father.

<3: 🌚

Prisoner: Please never send that emoji again.

<3: No promises 💛

1:01 am 

“The Child” has added “The Funny” and “Emily” to the chat. Splendid!

The Child: I’ve realized something today, watching the morals of society slowly crumbling around me: life is short.

Emily: Is this the Spencer villain arc we’ve all been waiting for?

Emily: Will you show up to work one day in a blood stained cape and finally put us all out of our misery?

The Child: Ok, let’s back right the fuck up for a second.

The Funny: It’s like I’m sitting in on a therapy session 

The Child: I want to come out to Jack.

Emily: So no espionage or deception?

The Funny: Emily, if it’ll make you happy, I’ll personally drive to your hotel and kill you 

Emily: Poggers

The Child: Is this all a practical joke, or do I genuinely need to get you help?

Emily: Nah I just have a weird sense of humor 

The Funny: Wait you were joking about the killing you thing?

Emily: o_ o

The Child: WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?

Emily: So why do you wanna come out Reid?

The Child: I feel like we should dive further into this whole “murdering Prentiss” situation.

The Funny: Yeah Reid, why choose now?

The Child: Oh my god.

Emily: ;)

The Child: Well, I go to visit him on average every thirteen days, so eventually Adam will come up in conversation. I’d rather be honest with him upfront and show him that same-sex attraction is a normal, acceptable thing.

The Funny: D’aw!

Emily: You should start by running your idea by Aaron

1:06 am

Emily: ??

The Child: I tried waking him up and he hit me with his memory foam neck pillow so hard that my nose is bleeding.

The Child: We are in the middle of fixing me up.

The Funny: When you get back, I’ve got an idea for you

The Child: I can still see with one eye: present your proposal.

The Funny: Idk if you’re expecting extravagance, but giving him a phone call and explaining that you’ll be bringing your boyfriend over one day is a good place to start 

Emily: Ask Adam if he can actually come first tho

The Funny: Oh yeah obviously 

1:14 am

The Child: It’s a yes from Hotch and Adam! 

Emily: WOO!!!

The Child: Two weeks from now on Wednesday night, approximately 7:45 pm. Expect frantic and panicked updates!

The Funny: I’m looking forward to it

6:20 am

Papa: Well goddamn, switching with Hotch was in the top five worst decisions I’ve ever made

<3: Ha

Prisoner: So you’ve come to your senses and realize I’m an excellent roommate?

Papa: No you’re still obnoxious, but at the very least you don’t yell at your exes in your sleep

Italian Man: I wasn’t sleeping, that’s just my constant inner monologue 

Italian Man: And also I wanted to piss you off

<3: Wait so you’ve been faking all that sleep talking for the past three years??

Italian Man: Lmfao yeah

Papa: When the fuck did you start saying lmfao

Italian Man: I called PG last night and they taught me some modern lingo 

Prisoner: GARCIA YOU HAVE DAMNED US ALL.

Italian Man: I’m an adult and can say whatever I want bucko

<3: I can smell the wine on you David

Italian Man: Not important ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

<3: Get a cup of coffee, take a hot bath, and then come to my room when you’re feeling sober

Italian Man: Whaddya want?

<3: I am going to kick your ass for keeping me up every night. This is not a threat- it is a promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I made Reid make a sexual reference. Please kudos. Dear god please kudos sex funny haha sex Spencer lol oh god please kudos please s


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been a long time coming, huh? Thanks for sticking around and continuing to support my story
> 
> Also, 3,000 hits????? Um hello????????? You guys are the best, and I appreciate every single one of you

10:44 am 

Prisoner: Well everybody, it’s a new day!

Prisoner: [Image: a black wheelchair lies folded on the seat next to Reid. His legs, which had previously been in casts, had motion blur on them, implying he was swinging his legs back and forth]

Papa: [Image: Adam is swinging his feet in tune with Reid’s. Contrasting Reid’s work slacks and brown button-down shirt, Adam wears a lilac polo and ripped jeans. He’s holding a folded purple beanie in his lap]

Papa: A new day indeed 

Baby Them: THEYRE SO PRECIOUS AAAAHHH

Prisoner: Adam says thanks!

Baby Them: Please tell me he’s coming with us for tequila night

Papa: That’s today?

Prisoner: But I haven’t gotten you a gift yet. :(

Baby Them: Consider your present to me splitting the bill

Prisoner: 👍

12:00 pm

D Rossi: Ah, solid ground 

D Rossi: The jet’s nicer than any plane I’ve ever flown on but I’d be lying if I said I’m not a ground dweller

Local Gay: With us all back home and the date fast approaching, we gotta start planning

The Funny: I’ve got a suspiciously large collection of candy necklaces we can use

Chocolate Thunder: It’s not as suspicious if you call it suspicious princess

Chocolate Thunder: Wait sorry, what’s a gender neutral version of princess?

The Funny: Your majesty

Chocolate Thunder: Either way, it feels less suspicious now

Local Gay: I humbly request the use of your confectionery jewels, my lord

The Funny: I grant thee permission

D Rossi: We can tie them together to make candy streamers

Local Gay: ROSSI YOU GENIUS

Local Gay: COME HERE SO I CAN HUG YOU

Chocolate Thunder: [Image: Rossi is on the ground, midway through a string of very colorful language] lmao he fell on his way to hug her

The Funny: I banish your foolish form from this kingdom

D Rossi: Who put you in charge?

The Funny: We voted, I won, sucks to be you

D Rossi: Can’t argue with that, I bid you all farewell

D Rossi has left the chat

Local Gay: DAMMIT HE WAS THE ONLY COMPETENT ONE

Chocolate Thunder: I take offense 

The Funny: I knew that from the start so don’t soften the blow for my sake

1:55 am 

Papa shared six photos 

[Image: Adam and Prentiss are violently swinging their arms to the music while Reid watches them with bugged out eyes. All three of them are standing on a soda- stained floor with weak knees]

[Image: Hotch silently sips his gin and tonic from his comfortable seat on the team’s booth, shooting Morgan a disappointed glare. The camera taking the picture is tilted. There’s a flower crown edited on Hotch’s disheveled hair]

[Image: A nearby piano, covered in silly string gunk and booze, is being played by none other than David Rossi, JJ sitting on top of the instrument and screaming out the lyrics to Piano Man with all her heart. Nearby club guests look at her with pity and adoration. One man is in the middle of saying “nice to see some father-daughter bonding”]

[Image: Garcia flashes a peace sign with their free hand while sitting behind a tray of shots, all different colors of the nonbinary flag. Their other arm is wrapped around Rossi, who’s holding them in a slightly too tight hug. Adam, Emily and Spencer are still doing their thing in the background]

[Image: Club goers shield their eyes as Prentiss walks around with no top on. Her back is to Morgan, who’s taking the picture. Adam is doubled over laughing while Reid tries to convince her to redress]

[Image: Emily gets escorted out by two muscly security guards in charcoal gray suits. The man nearest the camera is holding a tissue to his bloody nose, and his partner stares ahead in complete disinterest while Prentiss calls for her team to “kick their beefcake asses” to no avail. Hotch is talking to a short woman who appears to be the manager]

<3: If Strauss sees these I’ll get my ass kicked

Papa: I’ll kick her ass before she can get yours

<3: My hero


End file.
